When you hurt how do you express?
Do you grieve deeply?
Do you stay numb?
Do you accept it as fate?
Do you refuse to face reality?
How does your heart feel?
Does it beat so fast you want to collapse?
Does it beat so deeply you feel the blood gush into your heart and out?
Does your mind start to play tricks on you?
Does your brain cease function?
Does the world go silent or does it seem chaotic?
Do your legs go weak?
Do they stay rooted to the spot?
Does your entire body shiver with disbelief?
How do you absorb the ache?
Is it as physical as it is mental?
How do you snap out of it?
Do you ever snap out of it?
As we get older, we realise that we do not have many ‘firsts’ left. You’ve probably already had your first kiss, first crush, first love, first heartbreak, first F, first fight, first husband, first tattoo, etc etc. Some of the firsts do not apply to everyone though. I personally wouldn’t want a first husband but I quite fancy the idea of a first tattoo. But asides that, I’ve pretty much had all my firsts. It’s starting to dawn on me that I’m not a child anymore. Children would look at me and call me ‘aunty’ because in their perspective, I deserve to be called that. I’ve outgrown childish habits and thoughts. I can well be considered an adult now. The only thing left to put a stamp on it would be if I started paying my bills. I’m ‘grown ass’. Ripe for marriage. Able to have children. Should be able to keep a home. But I don’t want to get there so quickly just yet. I feel like I’m losing my joie de vivre too soon.
My grandma once told me to do what everyone else my age is doing. Wear makeup, grow my hair long, hang out a lot, watch a ton of movies. Because somehow someday life happens and you may not get the chance to do those things anymore. I think I’ve had my fair share of youthful exuberance. I’ve partied, kissed, travelled, fancied the idea of eloping, dyed my hair, given my friends bad advice, received bad advice. What’s left? What else are people my age doing? I’m out of firsts. We’re young and that’s directly proportional to living in the moment. Until we feel we’ve outgrown it and society decides its time we start to take responsibility for our actions. But I’m at that weird phase where I’m not young enough to do stupid things, because I’d have to face the consequences, and I’m not old enough to ‘settle’ just yet.
But come to think of it, every phase of life should be an adventure; a first. We take responsibility but we don’t give up on life entirely. I want to experience many more firsts and I’d probably have to create them for myself but I hope that when I finally do settle, I’d have someone who would want to experience firsts with me too.
The sun has seen all there is to earth. She’s watched the earth from when it was born to here and now. She’s seen its beauty and darkness. She’s kept a close eye on its people. She’s seen us wander in fruition. She’s seen us fight for love and faith. She’s watched us put to birth. She saw when Edison discovered light. She listened to Darwin explain our evolution. She’s seen our glory and downfall. Nothing amazes her anymore.
Everything that is or is to come has already been. Man creates within the limit of what he can imagine. And our imaginations are products of what we’ve seen and heard, what we’ve touched and tasted. So nothing is in itself new. Everything is, more or less, a progeny of something that has been created in the past. So even when times change, they still remain a shadow of what has already been. Things minds have already conceived. The sun has seen it all. So what’s left to do? What else is there to discover? What thoughts are left to decipher?
The sun may have seen it all but she hasn’t seen it from you. She hasn’t heard the story through your lips. She hasn’t seen the world through your lenses. She hasn’t read the book through your strokes of ink. She hasn’t put to birth through your womb. She hasn’t seen the colours through your brushes. She hasn’t heard the notes through your voice. She hasn’t seen your imaginations.
We are all similar in thought and comprehension but we are yet to discover the depth of what really lies within us. The human mind has the ability to produce thoughts beyond mediocre comprehension. But you have to be willing to dig deep enough. You cannot afford the luxury of laziness. The sun doesn’t know you. You are new under the sun. So let the world experience your hues, let it listen to the beat of your own heart. Let the sun discover you.
“With age comes not only Wisdom but madness, and by madness I don’t mean literal madness, the kind that makes you run naked on the streets, no, I mean an unconscious kind of madness. The kind that everyone acquires at some point and expects other people to understand and accept. We’re all born sane and unique but somewhere along the line we settle for false impressions of ourselves, definitions society has made us accept, believing that by doing so the world would take us a little more seriously. We mask our uniqueness with fake delusions of what we call ‘reality’. Somehow, in masks we are more comfortable because the world can’t see who we really are. We simply show what is defined as acceptable and leave our true identities hidden. That’s how we begin to lose our sanity. Because we stay hidden so long the real us starts to fade. We conform to our masks and soon forget what our original feels like. So that even at old age, we’re still struggling to find bits and pieces of ourselves, the ‘selves’ that should have been on display the whole time. Only to realise that the uniqueness is faded and we’re left with silly masks we don’t understand anymore but expect everyone else to.”
Don’t let society trick you into believing you’re not all that, because you are. Your weirdness is what makes you who you are. No matter how rare it is. People are most afraid of what they do not understand so they’ll try to convince you you’re’ odd’ if you’re not ‘normal’. Embrace your weirdness, your abilities, your talents, your dreams. These things make you. Hold on to whatever you find happiness in. Make it your home and build it up. And when your masterpiece is finished, sit down quietly, sip your tea and watch people come to you.