Ever wake up feeling dissatisfied. Just utterly unhappy with everything. Discontented. Irritated. Like all your negative emotions decided to come alive all at once. That is how I woke up feeling today. Like a literary piece of sh**. And I can’t explain why. But it’s just there. I’ve tried to shake it off, to distract myself, but I can’t. It’s just there. That bad vibe in the pit of your stomach. And as a result I’ve had negative thoughts about other people. Innocent people. Random people. I just see them and feel the urge to criticize and judge. I want to make them seem less than myself, so that perhaps I can feel some shred of importance. I hate these thoughts and I hate myself even more. And then I start self-loathing.
I hate myself and everything and everyone. But I don’t really hate them. But that feeling is there and I hate myself even more.
This makes no sense and it shouldn’t. It’s not normal. When people say to protect your peace, do they know that it might mean protecting yourself from yourself. But how do you do that? How do you protect yourself from yourself? How do you get rid of negativity when the negativity is you?
Hurt people hurt people. And we should protect ourselves from hurt people. I’m hurt people today. And I need help. I need someone to remind me that everything is fine. That life doesn’t suck. That I’ll find everything I’m looking for. That it’ll all be OK in the end. That my life matters.
But seeing as there’s no one to do that for me, I guess I’d have to be my own remedy.
“Zarah, you’ll be fine. Everything will work itself out in the end. You’ll find everything you’re looking for. And your life matters more than you know. I love you. And you deserve to be happy.”
I don’t feel much better but I know it’s only a matter of time now…