I haven’t written anything of value or worth in way too long. It feels unnatural. Almost like I haven’t really been living this whole time. But I have. So much has happened. There’s so much I could write about. Like how I fell in love 6 months ago, or how for the first time in my life I lost someone close to me, or how I mysteriously developed a knack for programming. I don’t know why I haven’t written anything. I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for. It’s really unusual. But that’s not what I wanted to write about today.
I can’t remember what I wanted to write about. I don’t feel like writing is something I still know how to do. I’m scared I’ve let a huge part of my identity go. I’m scared I’d never be able to write anything worth reading anymore. Writing suddenly doesn’t feel like my getaway. It doesn’t feel natural to me. I can’t paint pictures in my mind and bring them to life with my words. But then come to think of it, could I ever? Was I deluded? Did I fool myself into thinking I could actually write? Did I make writing my hobby because it really was, or did I just like the idea of it? Did I only fall in love with the idea of being a writer? Because writing should be like breathing. It should be something you can’t live without, like an addiction, but one you know you wouldn’t mind dying of because it’ll be worth it.
I want to write everyday of my life and never feel like it’s enough or sufficient. Writing isn’t a phase. Its a lifestyle. One I don’t ever want to get over.
Ever wake up feeling dissatisfied. Just utterly unhappy with everything. Discontented. Irritated. Like all your negative emotions decided to come alive all at once. That is how I woke up feeling today. Like a literary piece of sh**. And I can’t explain why. But it’s just there. I’ve tried to shake it off, to distract myself, but I can’t. It’s just there. That bad vibe in the pit of your stomach. And as a result I’ve had negative thoughts about other people. Innocent people. Random people. I just see them and feel the urge to criticize and judge. I want to make them seem less than myself, so that perhaps I can feel some shred of importance. I hate these thoughts and I hate myself even more. And then I start self-loathing.
I hate myself and everything and everyone. But I don’t really hate them. But that feeling is there and I hate myself even more.
This makes no sense and it shouldn’t. It’s not normal. When people say to protect your peace, do they know that it might mean protecting yourself from yourself. But how do you do that? How do you protect yourself from yourself? How do you get rid of negativity when the negativity is you?
Hurt people hurt people. And we should protect ourselves from hurt people. I’m hurt people today. And I need help. I need someone to remind me that everything is fine. That life doesn’t suck. That I’ll find everything I’m looking for. That it’ll all be OK in the end. That my life matters.
But seeing as there’s no one to do that for me, I guess I’d have to be my own remedy.
“Zarah, you’ll be fine. Everything will work itself out in the end. You’ll find everything you’re looking for. And your life matters more than you know. I love you. And you deserve to be happy.”
I don’t feel much better but I know it’s only a matter of time now…
Failure does something to you. It breaks you. Especially if it has happened more than once. And for some, just once is enough. Failure will, whether or not you realize it, make you lose faith in yourself and your abilities. You’ll start to trust less and less in what you’re capable of. You’ll start to feel like people can no longer see you for who you really are. They only see the mistakes you’ve made and the failures you can no longer erase. You feel judged even when no one is particularly looking at you. The way that people treat you changes. You don’t want to be pitied or scorned or looked down on but somehow these are the only ways people know how to respond.
It stings. It unnerves you. And that’s when it all starts. You start to forget who you are. It becomes difficult to convince yourself that you can succeed at anything you set your mind to. You continue down this road over a period of time and you keep failing at different things; your relationships, your choices, your goals. Soon enough you’re wondering if it’s all worth the effort. You’ve failed at so many different things that you start to call yourself a failure. You define yourself by all the things you couldn’t accomplish and wallow in your grief. “I’m a failure,” you tell yourself. Eventually you lose focus entirely. You can’t remember who you used to be before you failed. You’ve lost sight of your dreams and you can no longer find joy in little victories, because a part of your brain has been conditioned to wait for the disappointment, like a wild cat preying on a deer. Your failure awaits. And surely, not long after, it’s there again. You sink deeper, you die a little more.
Soon enough you forget who you are. Nothing motivates you long enough. Nothing interests you. You’re become bored. You’ve come to accept your fate as something you can’t change. So you start to settle. You settle for a life that’s less than what you’d hoped for. You settle for a relationship you don’t need to put too much work into. You settle for a job that allows you limit your creativity. You settle for friends like you who have settled for you. You settle for the failure.
Who are you now? What have you become? When did your heart stop beating?
Your strength isn’t only in the things you can do. It is in what you choose to do. It is in choosing to get up when you fall, it is in choosing to keep at it when you fail, it is in choosing to do better when the first few tries don’t work, it is in choosing to put in more effort, in choosing to hope against hope. Your strength is in your choices.
You didn’t disappear, you merely forgot who you are. You let the grief blind you from seeing your true potentials. But you’ve been in there the whole time. You just can’t remember. So let me remind you.
You are as authentic as the day before your fall, and more so because you choose to stand. Your goals are as achievable as the day you conceived them. Your plans are still feasible. Your hands are still skillful and your mind can still secrete creative juices. You didn’t lose your divinity. You only forgot for a moment that you were divine so you dropped your crown. Your failure doesn’t define anything about you. It is your choices that do.
It doesn’t matter if the rest of the world doesn’t see you for who you really are, it matters that you see yourself. The most important words you will ever hear are those that you tell yourself. So find yourself in the things that really matter, in the things you love, in the tiny details that count. Finish that book. Take that trip. Dump that jerk. Work that job. Run that mile. Find your peace. Live.
The law of attraction states that whatever you pay attention to will eventually come to you. I’m not an ardent believer of this school of thought but I do not completely disagree with it either. It is true that we are not always responsible for the events that have played out in our lives, but you can agree with me on some level that by earnestly desiring something, you get it. Sometimes, by working towards it and some other times by just having it drop onto your laps. It’s a relatable ideology. For instance:
When I was young, I wanted to meet boys. Good bad boys who knew just what to do and say to sweep me off my feet. I wanted to date them and have them fall for me like I fell for them. I wanted to change them, to be the heroine in their story. I wanted to grow old with them. When I got a little older, I met good bad boys. They fell for me like I fell for them. They knew what to do and say to sweep me off my feet. I tried to change them. I was both a heroine and a villain. I’m not old yet but they’re not with me anymore.
Truth is, I got what I wished for. I didn’t have to go looking for them, they sort of just found me. It was almost like the universe was responding to my deepest desires. I’m not sure if it always works like this, but just in case it does;
Now I’m a lot older and I finally realise, I don’t want a good bad boy. I don’t want a boy who knows what to do and say to sweep me off my feet. I look forward to meeting a man. A man who knows discipline and respect. A man who knows what to do and say to make a woman feel loved and appreciated. A man I wouldn’t have to change.
Now I’m caught between sitting and waiting or going to look for him myself.
As we get older, we realise that we do not have many ‘firsts’ left. You’ve probably already had your first kiss, first crush, first love, first heartbreak, first F, first fight, first husband, first tattoo, etc etc. Some of the firsts do not apply to everyone though. I personally wouldn’t want a first husband but I quite fancy the idea of a first tattoo. But asides that, I’ve pretty much had all my firsts. It’s starting to dawn on me that I’m not a child anymore. Children would look at me and call me ‘aunty’ because in their perspective, I deserve to be called that. I’ve outgrown childish habits and thoughts. I can well be considered an adult now. The only thing left to put a stamp on it would be if I started paying my bills. I’m ‘grown ass’. Ripe for marriage. Able to have children. Should be able to keep a home. But I don’t want to get there so quickly just yet. I feel like I’m losing my joie de vivre too soon.
My grandma once told me to do what everyone else my age is doing. Wear makeup, grow my hair long, hang out a lot, watch a ton of movies. Because somehow someday life happens and you may not get the chance to do those things anymore. I think I’ve had my fair share of youthful exuberance. I’ve partied, kissed, travelled, fancied the idea of eloping, dyed my hair, given my friends bad advice, received bad advice. What’s left? What else are people my age doing? I’m out of firsts. We’re young and that’s directly proportional to living in the moment. Until we feel we’ve outgrown it and society decides its time we start to take responsibility for our actions. But I’m at that weird phase where I’m not young enough to do stupid things, because I’d have to face the consequences, and I’m not old enough to ‘settle’ just yet.
But come to think of it, every phase of life should be an adventure; a first. We take responsibility but we don’t give up on life entirely. I want to experience many more firsts and I’d probably have to create them for myself but I hope that when I finally do settle, I’d have someone who would want to experience firsts with me too.